So many people in my life in 2016 were grieving it’s difficult to track them all.
Some of them lost a family member. Some lost a pet. And some were grieving over their lost candidate after the election. One of the things that most of us have to deal with in retirement is grief – either our own or someone else’s. What do you say to someone who’s grieving? That’s exactly what I asked Natalia Volz and the answer may surprise you.
Natalia Volz is the founder of Passing Through Grief and the RELIEF Process.
She helps individuals who feel lost and down after experiencing a significant loss or change in their life such as a death, divorce, or children leaving home to heal their pain so they can rebuild their life and find renewed purpose.
She has first hand experience with loss and grief. In 2010, after a two-year battle with cancer, her husband died at the age of 49. Lost, alone, and very frightened, she eventually found her way through the devastating pain of loss and grief.
There is a lack of understanding and a fear in our culture about loss and grief and she found herself struggling to find help to get through. She worked diligently to move beyond her own grief and on to living happily and purposefully. Natalia read every book she could get my hands on, took courses on the subject, and completed grief recovery certification training, and in the process became passionate about making a difference in the way our society deals with loss, change and grief.
It’s easy to tell that she feels passionate about getting out accurate information on a subject we normally avoid but all have to confront first hand at some point in our lives.
I asked Natalia, “What do you say?” I know that I’m always at a loss for words when I’m confronted with someone who is grieving, because I know that nothing I say or do is going to bring their wholeness back. She had a very interesting answer: Be a heart with ears.
For the person who is grieving, she said that time does not heal all wounds. The person suffering a loss needs to talk about it. Keeping busy does not heal. So what do you say to someone who’s grieving?
Natalia gave us some steps to take to help with our own grief:
Find a place to talk about the feelings of loss.
Write about your feelings about the loss.
Connect with others. See if there is one friend who will listen to how you are feeling. Tell them you just need to talk, and to have them listen.
Say it or write it while you are feeling the emotion.
Grief causes a lot of energy. Move through it through your body. Don’t stuff it. Take a walk if you can.
Listen to music that makes you cry. Get your tears out. Crying releases a stress hormone that actually helps you release the stress. Don’t worry, you can’t cry forever. Normally it takes about 15 minutes and then you feel better.
So what do you say to someone who’s grieving? For dealing with others, remember you can’t fix it so don’t even try. Be a heart with ears. If your friend is telling you about some guilt that they might feel, don’t discount it by saying “He knew you loved him”, instead say something like, “I can imagine that would be really painful. I can’t imagine what that would feel like. Tell me more”.
Natalia gave us some excellent advice, but unfortunately my internet went out right when we were wrapping up the show. I hope to have her come back someday because what she had to say was so valuable. The good news is that we were wrapping up, about to give out her contact information, which we have below.
If you’d like to contact Natalia, you can reach her at 877-606-0909 or Natalia@PassingThroughGrief.com
One of the things that we need to consider in our retirement lifestyle planning is how we are going to deal with illness and dying. And, when the time comes, hospice care can be an excellent way of preparing ourselves for the inevitable.
I knew that Jennifer was a hospice expert, but I didn’t know that in 2006 she got her Master’s Degree. She worked with
children at the time and went to school to get her Master’s Degree. She credits her professor with saving her life when he suggested that she work with hospice. There are only two schools that offer courses on death and dying in San Diego.
Jennifer Marsh is a community education and outreach specialist for Hospice of the North Coast. She has over ten years of creating, marketing and sustaining thriving educational programs to the general community about serious illness, care-giving and grief and loss issues.
Jennifer has been published in the Touching Lives magazine (2009), and featured on KOCT-TV and Eldercare Talk Radio providing insight and resources to those coping with a serious illness, caring for a loved one and grieving. Jennifer is an expert on hospice and mortality and has been interviewed on the SevenPonds Blog.
She has expertise in creating and implementing community outreach and fundraising events, including Breathe Deep San Diego.
In 2013, she was named as a Finalist for the San Diego Women Who Mean Business Awards through the San Diego Business Journal.
Everyone I know who works in hospice care is a caring person. That field seems to attract loving and patient people. Jennifer’s mom had cancer, and even though she had already been working in her chosen field when this happened, she instantly became “the daughter”. She knows what its like to have a loved one who has been diagnosed with a deadly disease.
There are a lot of misconceptions about hospice and that’s why I asked Jennifer to be on the show. She shared with us the important truth about hospice:
Today’s episode of Rock Your Retirement is a sneak peak at the interview that Kathe did on Hillbilly Nerd Talk. Hank and Petra talked to me about their own retirement. During the interview, we wondered if stuff and retirement don’t go together. And, is “Retirement” even the right word? Many Baby Boomers are redefining what they want to do in their later years. They can be more care free than the generations that came before. That is, if they have prepared Financially.
We talked about the fact that there are two types of Baby Boomer Retirements: Those who planned financially and those who didn’t. For those who have the financial resources, their retirement is more like a teenager’s life, but with the ability to do more.
Even though the show, Rock Your Retirement, doesn’t specifically discuss finances, it is true that if you are completely financially strapped, you’ll be thinking about putting food on the table and a roof over your head. We assume that the listeners to Rock Your Retirement have already done some financial planning and that they are looking for different information. We have discussed Stuff and Retirement in the past. Check out the episode on Downsizing.
We Americans are tied to our STUFF. We talked about Wendy Holt (episode 9) who moved to Costa Rica. She gave up all her stuff, along with the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles.
Speaking of stuff…Hank and Petra DO live differently than most of their peers. Hank drives Elmer, a twelve year old pickup truck. At ages 47 and 44 they could have “retired” earlier. Living a less extravagant lifestyle gives you freedom. Hank said that objects tie us down. Petra said that they are invigorated by the next phase of their life.
Every town in America has storage facilities where we have to store extra stuff. People keep their stuff in their garage, and their cars on the street. Petra brought up that people could probably clear out a bedroom to keep extra stuff in, but we just have so much!
Frank brought up “First World Problems”.
Imagine trying to explain to a person in Africa or Nigeria how we have a problem in America where we have too much stuff, and we have to rent extra boxes to store it all. Petra also talked about how you can rent shipping crates to store your stuff in your yard.
Just think: If you die and haven’t gotten rid of it, someone else will have to go through your stuff. Your stuff will wind up in an Estate Sale. Frank said that you can retire earlier if you didn’t have so much stuff as you went along. Again, Stuff and Retirement don’t go together. Your STUFF can impede your retirement, and your life!
Hank brought up the Maslow theory, that once you reach a basic level of survival, more stuff has zero effect of being happy. Petra said that when you get to a certain point, there is nothing to strive for. It even might impede your happiness. We all agreed that more stuff actually causes less happiness, not more.
He also said to be proactive, not only with what to do with your money, but also with what to do with your time. Hank brought up the fact that he cannot podcast 10 hours a day (although they have a great show, check it out).
If you like the Rock Your Retirement show, please tell a friend! That’s the only way we grow, one listener at a time.
Listen to Hank and Petra’s show, Hillbilly Nerd Talk, HERE.
This article on Retirement Lifestyle first appeared on http://RockYourRetirement.com
Is the holiday season getting you down? Let us help you through it with our dumb and corny jokes episode!
Les and Kathe tell corny jokes that a 10 year old boy might laugh at (or maybe not).
To listen, click on the little arrow thingy or get the episodes on your smartphone. Don’t know how to do that? These videos will teach you how to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast, and you can listen on your phone or tablet.
Don’t forget to rate and review the show on iTunes! Don’t know how? Click HERE, and we’ll teach you with a different video!
Next week the show will stop the corny jokes (thank goodness!) and resume to normal programing.
The corny jokes on this episode were taken from “Jokelpedia, The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke book Ever, 2nd edition, compiled by Ilana Weitzman, Eva Blank, Alison Benjamin, and Rosanne Green. Book Copyright by Somerville House 2000, 2006 by Ken Porter and Workman Publishing Co.
Janelle Anderson helps people discover their pathways to a fulfilling life in retirement.
Ms. Anderson works with women find a fulfilling life in retirement. She is a Certified Professional Coach through her business, Emerging Life Coaching. Janelle typically works with women who are transitioning into a new season in life, whether that is from the “busy mother raising children season” to an “empty nest” season or from “busy career life” to the season of retired life. And…she helps them discover a new game to play and who they truly want to be in this “third act of life.” Her work with clients includes one-on-one private coaching sessions, as well coaching groups, workshops and personal development classes.
She developed a retirement transition course called “Pathways to a Fulfilling Life in Retirement.” This course was featured in Virginia Tech’s Lifelong Learning Institute this past Spring.
She has created a personalized coaching program from this course called “Redefine Your Retirement.”
Janelle’s Pathways to a Fulfilling life in Retirement course is a 6 week course that goes through the following:
Week 1 – Assessment. This is spent doing various types of assessments to determine where people are in their transitions. She uses “REC” which means:
Release – Letting go of your past life
Explore – What do I want to do now
Create – Setting out steps and goals to create a new life in retirement
Week 2 – Envisioning which is setting the vision of where you want to go and who you want to be. Dream and paint a big picture of what’s possible.
Week 3 – What’s stopping you? “GAILS”
Week 4 – Work on removing the roadblocks in your life. Create possibilities and figure out how to write a new story for your life.
Week 5 – This week is spent looking at key relationships in your life. Where are they? Are they draining you? Are they energizing you?
Week 6 – Create your best life by coming up with a plan, action steps, and goals to create the life you want to live in retirement
I’m not unhappy, I’m doing things I enjoy like gardening and going out with my friends, but I just keep asking myself is this all there is?
Janelle talks about her client Margie who was struggling with becoming an “empty nester” and she also talks about Sandra who felt unfulfilled in her retirement.
Margie had just entered the “empty nest” when she came to me. The last of her children had just moved out and she was really floundering with her life, not knowing what to do with herself.
Know that there is not just one transition that is going to happen. There are many transitions and that it is normal and you may need time to re-adjust to figure out where you are and what you want to do.
We asked, “What advice would you give to a retiree who feels stuck?” She answered, “Appreciate the moment. Live in the present moment, live every moment to the fullest and learn how to find joy right now.”
Are you a Retiring Executive? Are you within 5 years of that goal?
There are special issues associated with a retiring executive. Joyce Richman has worked with individuals as an executive
coach for more than 30 years. In addition to her private practice, Joyce has worked with hundreds of clients across the United States and internationally.
Joyce gave us some great advice that she specific uses with executives preparing for retirement, but anybody can use it really.
She said that if you are a retiring executive, you should really have the conversation a couple of years in advance.
So for example, if you are 60 years old, and planning on retiring at 62, you need to start talking about what your perfect retirement looks like, NOW.
A retiring executive should bring his or her spouse into the conversation.
Discuss what you expect, and be honest. If you plan on traveling, discuss this with your spouse, who’s perfect executive retirement may have meant having you around the house and snuggling on the couch watching television. Get these things worked out now.
Consider also what gives you energy.
What do you love to do naturally? How does this play out? If playing the guitar gives you a buzz, consider taking lessons or joining a garage band if you know other aspiring musicians.
Also, some executives don’t want to just stop working when they retire.
Their perfect retirement might mean volunteer work or business consulting. A hobby might take up more of your time, but most of us can’t golf for 10 hours every day.
Consider the top challenges that married couples need to overcome as they move through retirement.
If you are a retiring executive, be sure to talk it through with your spouse. Many people assume that their spouses wants to do what they want to do, and they are used to being in control. Your spouse may be used to doing things at home, and now there is someone that they need to get used to in their territory.
What do you think people should know BEFORE they retire?
If in a marriage/committed relationship, couples should have candid conversations (preferably facilitated by someone objective) about “what’s next?”; what each person wants for those years free from the obligations of paid employment for self, and for each other. This conversation is in addition to planning with a financial advisor so there’s no misunderstanding around finances… what is within bounds… and what is outside those bounds. If single, (and in addition to financial planning) who and what do you need in your life to feel a sense of belonging and involvement in lives outside your own? What stimulates, energizes, focuses your attention in positive ways. Identify it.. all of it… and realize your role in initiating the outcomes you seek.
What if you feel stuck in Retirement?
Think back… to those moments and times when you have been most happy. What was happening? What were you doing? Who was there? What value or benefit came from that experience? You job now… is to find ways to recreate those experiences… if not for you, for others who might learn and take value from what you can now share with them.